I’m visiting my buddy the other day and chattering away in the background is the TV, featuring Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home. Normally I can ignore the hubbub, but this movie features an enormous sentient Tootsie Roll that emerges from Space, threatens the Earth, and is likely to wrinkle Capt. Kirk’s uniform really badly.

The premise is that the intrepid decrepit crew  – must journey back in time to get two whales that talk the same language as the gi-normous candy bar. 

I’m galvanized into thought; what would happen if a giant sentient Tootsie Roll did exist, and it came back to Earth to talk to the fish?

I’ve caught a lot of fish and would they rat me out? All of the callous treatment and nonchalant heave-ho back into the water and now I’m liable for all them widows and orphans? Fast forward through the hundreds of gut hooked salt water fish of my youth, the 8% death rate of all those trout released – yet died despite my attempt at resuscitation ..

Who would the Tootsie Roll hit with the Death Ray? Dame Juliana Berners?

My pal may have come to my rescue, nonchalantly removing a Gorton’s Fish Stix frozen dinner from his fridge. Chuckling while pointing at the box, “Dude, this Guy is Toast!”