Per the Trout Underground’s scoop about the pending production of “The River Why” - comes the news of who’s actually in the feature. William Hurt and Amber Heard have been given the nod for two of the starring roles in the production.

William Hurt plays the father, and Ms. Heard the “tomboyish love interest.” On the surface little about Ms. Heard appears roughshod, we’ll hold our Oscar vote until we’ve seen her cast.

OK, I’ll withhold my vote, the rest of you can sell yourselves cheaply.

Who actually plays “Gus” the protagonist is immaterial - you fellows are circling calendar dates based on the above picture alone. I’d read the book in case you get grilled on the plot after dropping your popcorn from nerveless fingers.

I’m completely jealous, first bass fishing, now even sailfish angling has big money contests - replete with bikini clad babes, corpulent sponsors, grandiose prizes, free champagne, and opulent spreads of free food.

So why did trout fishing get shut out of the cash bonanza?

The knee jerk response: “trout fishing is the quiet sport practiced by introverts that wish to commune with their natural surroundings.”

Sounds good on the surface, but it’s too close to the prose used to brush off a second date, too”politically correct” and it’s time to face the harsh truth, we’re a quaint, boring lot.

There, I’ve said it … took me ten grand worth of shrink to utter them words, but I’m feeling better by the moment.

Too many predator poses leaning expectantly over a foppish rod intent on floating dander in midstream - praying we’re gonna outwit something while the camera’s focused on our hindquarters. Waders preclude those from being photogenic, so our audience is left to shudder and look elsewhere.

Trout fishing is going backwards, not forwards. We deify the tackle and technique of decades past, and ignore the compelling technological innovations of the present; strobe lights, sirens, and text messaging.

Witness the latest from Zebco, they’re not bemoaning the demise of cane or fiberglass, they’ve got blinking red lights for “bite alerts” and liberally use “glow in the dark” materials so’s you don’t step on your rod when reaching for beer. That’s tangible advancement of the sport, not fiddling with decimal points in modulus and gross weight, whose benefit is lost even on the owner.

We need to focus on the audience, rather than on our own passions, we need to turn trout fishing into a spectacle.

We got SUV’s, they got SUV’s, we just need to imbed ours in a riverbank once or twice. Mother Nature is fine for the ecology types, but the way we spray discarded water bottles, tippet dispensers, and leader wrappers proves we spend more time trying to look up her skirt then ensuring She’s chaste … the glee with which you park your SUV in the streambed should be commensurate.

To hell with elitism, we tried that at least a couple hundred years and have declining participation to show for it - what this sport needs is a good doping scandal.  Some fellow wearing an umpire uniform gazing sternly at some other fellow, waders around his ankles, pissing into a plastic cup. Roger Clemens & Wife was “yesterday’s news” until the rest of the world discovered all that lycra-spandex hid needle tracks, now they’re likely to vote her into the Hall of Fame as well.

A little “dirty” means huge endorsement dollars - a yearly television contract, and attention from Nike. We’ve had popes and presidents, astronauts and test pilots, and we’re still not invited to the “show.” What’s needed is some debauched starlet hanging on the arm of a Yellowstone guide, or some quaint angling association popped for running a Meth lab…

No single camera can showcase the sport properly and we’ll need assistance from the NFL to catch the action. We could have yellow lines marking the feeding lanes, penalty flags when numbed fingers are unable to change flies fast enough, and cheerleaders. What they’ll do I’m not sure - but it’ll give the camera something to focus on when competitors start swearing loudly.

Most of all we need pratfalls; some helpless SOB moonwalking on slimy rocks desperate to maintain balance, and failing miserably. A sanctimonious oaf droning on about the lifecycle of Mayflies, desperately avoiding the word “screw” -  then going arse over teakettle with only an oil slick to mark the spot.

We’ll treat them with respect, we’ll pay enormous cash prizes and allow them to hawk tackle during the off season, but they’ve got to eat 12 gallons of icy Gatorade in their waders on a win.

I’ll stack our babes against their babes any day. Sure we’ve got mighty few of them, but they’re all lean, hungry, and have as many wardrobe malfunctions as anything on MTV. Our gals ain’t wallflowers, and can hold a conversation, a stark contrast to Miss Ford-Lincoln-Mercury whose there merely to drape herself on whatever is closest to the trophy.

Perhaps it’s tiresome that only PETA has an interest in us, were they to sponsor a couple of tournaments, we’d rethink the entire fishing issue.

Technorati Tags: bass tournament, sailfish, Gatorade, Hi Mom

On first blush I assumed it was more proof of a coming apocalypse, another dark day for anglers, as well muscled “male-like substance” took turns looking grim, stern, or virile, while adorned with technical fishing attire.

New Clothing Brand Seeks Make-up Artist for Advertising Campaign

Diem Angling, a new clothing company designing technical and fashion wear for anglers worldwide, are organising a photoshoot to take place on the Saturday 26th and Sunday 27th January 2008. The shoot is an FHM style shoot and we plan to shoot 12 models over the 2 days and we require a competant make-up artist to assist us.

I was about to take them to task as angling is less about makeup, and more “what you got spattered with.” Airbrushes are fine, but all that’s needed is a liberal dousing of Muskol, roll the result down a dirt incline, then dip them in a creek a couple times.

That’s fishing.

The “FHM” reference gave me pause, so I took the trouble to look it up. It’s no longer an item to ridicule, it’s your bloody dream job. FHM is a european men’s magazine, and the “models” described above would have to be … you guessed it … Women.

Despite legendary airbrush skills I’m unable to do much more than sulk. For those stalwarts in the UK, you lucky bastards still have a chance to get there before dawn.

Technorati Tags: FHM, makeup artist, angling fashion, choose me

I thought I was doing TC a favor, knowing his propensity for ungainly concoctions involving tube steak smothered in coagulated greasemeat with faux-coleslaw topping. I was prepared to cut him in on a real culinary masterpiece.

The Strawberry-Milk Fish Dog.

Naturally I gave him first shot at blog coverage, but instead of kudos and the promise of everlasting friendship, I get a note slipped under my door:

“You suck. If I see you north of Red Bluff, me and the homies are going to put a cap in your azz.”

Singlebarbed gets notes like this all the time, we laugh in the face of Death - traditionally during our morning commute, but other times too…

What struck me was the eloquence, the simplistic prose, the style unmistakably Tom Chandler. The prominent copyright confirmed my suspicions. 

I can only assume that as Singlebarbed has scooped him on the sacred culinary scene, he’s bitter and resentful. Then again, he may have actually ate one, worse yet, fed a couple to Wally and the L&T Nancy.

Jesus.

“What sets the real thing apart from all slaw-dog wannabe’s is the curried cabbage shreds, as well as the karashi (hot mustard) infused sauce slathered all over the top. Since the fish sausage has so little flavor, the main flavor comes from the karashi, the cabbage, and the white bread bun. In a word: blah”

I figured the above billing would suit them Mighty Woodsmen of Dunsmuir just fine, they way they tell it - they run down their game barefoot, and eat the meal at the squat.

I may have to go up there and make nice…

Technorati Tags: strawberry milk fish hotdog, Trout Underground, Deep Yogurt

The good news is that I cast about as well as I write; tortured, circuitous, and unnecessarily lengthy. The bad news is I stumbled onto another time wasting pastime that had me cursing and giggling uncontrollably.

A devout follower of the Church of Monday Night Football, and this being the first services of the season, my pre-game warmup routine was interrupted by the fellows that invented the tele-prompter wizardry.

Did you know them same lads invented a fly fishing game?

It’s not bad. Casting is nightmarish, but quickly mastered once you remember the 10Am-2PM stroke of your youth. You have an ample fly assortment, and it even keeps count of the flies snapped off due to your hammy handed  strikes.

You can zoom to the water to observe insects, and then match the hatch. Nymphs and dries are available as are weighted nymphs and splitshot attached to your leader.

The demo is a 5MB download that allows you to fish a couple of the six rivers present, it runs under Windows XP just fine, and is virus free. The demo will end after each fish caught, just fire it again to catch another fish. Perfect cubicle fodder during lunch.

Casting long distances is a bloody Herculean effort, but roll casts and mending line are available to ease the fishing somewhat. I was hard pressed to cast beyond 50 feet, but did manage a 64 foot spaghetti cast that yielded a 16″ Brookie.

Mindless fun, liable to amuse you greatly - more importantly, it gives you the line you’ve lusted after for years, “Daddy will surrender the computer after the Caddis hatch is over, now go do your homework.”

Never happen? The holidays are fast approaching and you think you’ll be able to resist the new fishing rod controller for the Wii? More likely you’ll buy it for the kids…then fight them for it.

Technorati Tags: fly fishing video game, time wasting, video games

It’s time we recognize a true visionary, or perhaps he’s just the only fellow glib enough to overcome the wife’s protests. Talk about ganging up on Ma…incorporating a water slide, trout fishery, swimming pool, and BBQ pit.

You can hear the kiddies now, “C’mon Ma, can we? Huh, can we?” (with Poppa sporting an innocent yet very evil grin.) I think this fellow has set the bar higher than merely the traditional “can I buy this new rod without her knowing” gambit.

I can’t help but think of the vindictive side of the operation, if the trout refused my fly more than once, I would retaliate with my portly pink frame landing in their lap.

Tags: visionary, trout farm, water slide

San Mateo Joe,

Will I rever the slaw dog like Wally TC does?

Slaw Dog’s are an affront to the human race. Why any rational human would desecrate an intestine stuffed with lips, beaks, jowels, and entrails - with cole slaw? The real indignity is that they are trying to hide the crime with chili and mustard.

I tried to fob these off on my girlfriend as a french delicacy, I called them “Le Canine Forested”, and she about decorated me with a rolling pin.

Nope, TC is all alone on that one.

Will I join forces with TC in ridding the world of the Nestle Menace?

Let’s say I have pounded a Nestle’s Crunchbar on more than one occasion, but if TC shows me all of his secret fishing spots, I could be born-again. Us free-writers is mercenary to the core, shameless in fact.

Will I be battling with TC in the bikini wars?

Hell yes, and if he so much as blinks he’s a goner. TC has both morals and scruples, I lack both. If it meant more pageviews than he gets, I’ll show nekkid trout too.

Why are their no pictures of my Wonderdog?

That’s the simplest question of all, my dog was a gift from my gal, she mistakenly got me a medium dun Queensland Heeler. Now I have a hairless Heeler that has to stay indoors all the time, too damn cold for him outside. He don’t mind much, except around Thanksgiving, I guess that turkey looks like a relative….

Will your ass shrink if you comment lots?

Hell no. But a taut and shapely rear is desirable only if you are sub-30, and have $8000 or more in credit card debt. This crowd is neither, and the bikini question gave you away…you own your own home, have a good woman of many years by your side, and are hoping like hell she don’t look over your shoulder while you live vicariously through my Bikini models, n’est pas?

Thanks for the opportunity to beard TC. Come again, and often.

Tags: slaw dog, trout underground

Welcome to Singlebarbed. Whose words are you reading?

(SNIP) (HACK) (CUT) (SLASH)

Humor is King, which is why you shouldn’t take me too seriously, unless of course I’m writing on a topic that suggests you should, and it’s possible you won’t know the difference. Sometimes it’s not easy to be you.

Sit back, relax, enjoy — and comment your ass off.

Singlebarbed.