The dreaded Father-Son outing

It is oft said that a domestic disturbance call is the most dangerous for a policeman. The disturbance part is run-of-the-mill, the domestic portion can spiral out of control at a moment’s notice, usually with the officer now defending himself against both combatants.

Guides fear a domestic engagement in the same way. Learning that tomorrow will be a Father-Son trip will cause even the hardiest veteran to blanch. The prospect of a sandwich comprised of a sulky youngster (with protruding lower lip), and an angry Poppa, looms foremost in a guide’s thoughts.

It doesn’t have to be this way, and for those well meaning anglers who consider this type of adventure, I will share some advice.

Rule 1:  You told your Dad to get stuffed, now it is payback time.

Passionate anglers, those that live for the out-of-doors adventure cannot instruct their blood-kin, nor anyone they are dating.  Just as you never quite took your dad seriously (what does he know), so are you perceived. The fascination and intricacy of the sport came to you later, not on the first lesson. Attempting to impart all of the wonderment to a child, wife, or girlfriend, on a single outing, will end badly.

You need a disinterested third party to assist, that’s where I come in.

Rule 2: Once you step in my boat, you are no longer the child’s father.

This is the deadliest of all sins, the Trip Killer, the single crime that will result in a child’s refusal to enjoy anything, arms folded formidably on chest, lip protrusion at maximum.

I can fix this if you’ll let me. But as the child’s father, chances are you will see it as your responsibility, and the situation will degrade further. Because you will never have seen this coming, let me explain what I saw…

Each time I mentioned where I wanted you to fish, and what fly you needed, and how you should fish it, you repeated the instructions to your kid. The child has perfect hearing, he heard me when I said it. Repeating the instructions (in the presence of a stranger) reaffirms that he is a child, likely incapable of understanding what was said the first time. If you continue this, he will be angry soon.

I am a professional guide, I have dealt with killers, aristocrats, alcoholics, beginners, transvestites, and politicians, I can ensure you and your progeny  have a wonderful time, that’s what I do. After your first cast I know who needs most of my attention, and I will direct my efforts on the weak player to overcome his/her unfamiliarity to the sport.

Likely I will ensure that your child out fishes you. All children want to best their Poppa at something, this may be his first trip ever, and what you really, really want - is for me to make him ask you “can he go again, next week.”

Rule 3: Frame the outing for the best results

Never take your girlfriend steelhead fishing, never insist the kid stay out in 105 degree temperatures. Fish are found in Nature, Nature is uncontrollable, be flexible and select the outing to match the temperment of the participants.

Your girlfriend has cold feet, and delights in tormenting you during the winter. Do not take this woman steelhead fishing in January, she will hate you, you will hate you, and when you look for sympathy from your pals, they are going to look in disbelief, “What were you thinking?”

Likewise with your son or daughter, plan a trip that has moderate weather so you can focus on fishing, not trembling uncontrollably, with “Can I Go Back to the Car” as the refrain.

No one likes trout fishing when it is 105 degrees in the shade, not even the trout. Ask the guide to map your trip around the comfortable hours of the day and evening, rather than gut out the terrible midday temperatures. Most will be happy to do so - they’ve had their head baked far too many days already.

Rule 4: Meet with the guide to discuss expectations

Prior to the trip, while the child is carrying gear to the water’s edge, talk with your guide. He can customize the day to appeal to various tastes, including songbirds and wildflowers. If he knows that your goal is to build you a “fishing buddy” - he will be thrilled to assist.  It is the Grand Experiment, and if you’re successful, he’ll be trying it on his recalcitrant snotty kid the following week.

If you know of particular likes and dislikes, communicate them. Sacrificing an hour of marginal fishing so that your spouse has the opportunity to examine Indian rock carvings, may be just what’s needed for your companion to have a quality adventure.

 Rule 5: If you draw blood from my body forcefully, you owe me

I bear the scars of instruction on my anatomy, punctured forcibly and repeatedly by clients. This is an unspoken rule, it does not involve money, and tipping will not get you out of the doghouse.

It is also the reason why I am going to insist your flies are barbless. I must navigate between anglers perched precariously in midstream - so if you add a weighted #4 Golden Stone to my cheek,  I will show no pain as I tear the hook out, I will also smile as I do so, reassuring your girlfriend so that she does not faint into 3 foot of fast moving water.

If you imbed something in your wife’s rear, I will leave the first aid kit where my car used to be parked.